How to Stay on Track While Fasting

OMG you guys, if I knew I would write it here. It’s REALLY hard!!!

So, let’s start with a little bit about me: I’m a 32 year old graphic designer living in the Midwest with dreams of Boston. Soon Boston! I’m coming!!! I have high functioning, treatment resistant, major depression, a general anxiety disorder and a binge eating disorder, along with endometriosis, chronic back pain and lots of headaches. Plus this general feeling of icky from being 120lbs over weight. I feel sick just typing that. Gross!!

I have tried every diet known to man. Believe me. I’ve been dieting since I was like 10 years old. I’ve tried them all. Every variation, every pill and potion, I even drank something every day that tasted like soap.

About 6 years ago I set out on a eat healthy and exercise plan to lose 45lbs and really kick this in the pants. Lets do this!!! I became obsessed with exercise because everyone said that was the key. It’s bullshit. That’s not the key. I exercised for 2 hours a day, 6 days a week for 2 years and lost like 5lbs. Fuck that!

SO, I came to the conclusion (Yes, the hard way… that’s how I roll) that its what you eat.

I’ve also heard the whole count calories thing. Been there, done that. I went 3 months on 500 calories a day and only lost like 10lbs. So, obviously, it’s not JUST calories either. It’s the kind of food that you eat.

So… what do I eat? Well, mainly chocolate, coffee, chocolate coffee, cheese and pasta. I LOVE pasta and cheesy pasta… What were we talking about? Oh! FASTING. Right. Ok, so I’m a vegetarian. I was born that way. Seriously. I have never eaten meat at all. I do eat dairy products though and sugar, the bane of my existence. I’m convinced that it’s poison, but still can’t stop eating it.

Late last year I came across a documentary on Amazon Prime Video about fasting. It talked about healing people through fasting for about 2 weeks. They heal people of everything from obesity to cancer through just water fasting. I had no idea, but I had long thought that the key to losing weight was to just stop eating. But what if I could heal my depression or make it a lot better through this as well?

I went to facebook groups for more information. I had joined this weight loss group on there and someone was talking about the Snake Juice Diet. From there I found several other groups about fasting and healing. I’m GREAT at research. I know all the things about this now. I just can’t seem to do it. You see… I just keep getting hungry and I cave.

For the moment I live with my parents, 2 siblings and 1 niece. Last year was rough, it’s a long story. I’m working on moving, but for now, I’m stuck. I’m stuck with people who eat junk food all the time, loads of carbs and eat 3 times a day. They make a big deal if I don’t eat too, not like I have that kind of self control.

I have this idea to fast for 100 days. Supposedly you can lose anywhere from .5lb to 1lb a day while fasting long term. If I could fast for 100 days most of my problem would be solved. It’s just the fasting part that I can’t seem to get to.

I know what I want to do, but I just can’t do it. Ya know?

So, this is my story, my struggle, a place to put all of my info and research and possibly help someone else. And who knows, maybe someday I will get there too. For now I’m headed to Target over my lunch break and hoping to not come out of that place with either chocolate or coffee. Wish me luck!



The Not So Dreamy Dream

Three years ago today I was on my way home a business trip in California. I was living the dream, working in a career that I loved, being a real adult, paying all of my bills and living completely independently. I felt like I had my life together and that I was FINALLY doing everything right.

It was also one of the worst times of my life. I worked with a boss that was verbally abusive every single day. This trip was horrifying for me because I had to spend 4 days with him. I did my best to be polite and professional, but inside I was dying. Nothing that I did or said was right or enough for him.

I was struggling hard with depression and anxiety at the time, so much so that I didn’t want to leave the house. But I had to travel, it was part of my job.

The first day of the trip we arrived at the airport in Charlotte at 5:30am. I wasn’t even awake enough to think about food and figured I would get something during our layover in Dallas. But when we got to Dallas the 45 min layover was barely enough to make it to the next plane. By the time we made it to San Bernardino I was STARVING. I told my boss this and he said something like yeah, yeah. We are going to the Oakley factory store first and then we will get something later. So we spent an hour in traffic going to this store and I waited more than an hour for him to shop. I was getting dizzy and feeling sick at this point. I finally said “I really need to eat. I’m not feeling well.” He threw a fit, but finally picked some hole in the wall place. The whole time we ate he made me feel guilty for not wanting to eat at a nicer place later. I did want to eat at the nicer place, I just needed to eat more than once that day.

Later I declined to go to dinner with him. Again he was not happy.

The next day I rode with him to the race track. The whole reason that we were in CA was to go to the race track. But he didn’t want to be there. We was planning on going on some hike that afternoon and was so mad at me that I didn’t want to go with him. It was no inconvenience to him as I was riding back to the motel with a friend of mine, but still, he was mad.

I said no to dinner again that night. He got even madder.

By Sunday we were barely speaking to each other. It was fine with me. I was just trying to keep my head above water with all of my depression and anxiety. Plus, even though going to the racetrack was my favorite thing in the world, on race day my anxiety went through the roof. I had to be around a massive amount of people and talk to them and it was all overwhelming.

Halfway through the race our clients left, we were done working. I wanted to stay and watch the race, but my boss insisted we leave right then. He wanted to go to the beach. So we left. We checked into another motel and he was again pissed that I didn’t want to go to the beach. I just wanted to crawl into bed and watch the rest of the race.

The next day we made the trip home. I barely said two words to him. He was clearly pissed at me all day.

When I returned to work the after the trip my boss sat down in my office and told me, again, what a terrible person I was and what a crappy personality I had. He said I was rude and unprofessional and that I needed to change everything about me and my attitude if I was ever going to make it in this life. He said no one liked me and I was so horrible to be around that he just didn’t know what he was going to do.

I went home and cried. My depression was overwhelming at that time. I was going to the doctor and the counselor and doing all of the things that I could to try and fix it. It wasn’t helping though. I still had this overwhelming feeling of dread and numbness. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for anything and that I was completely worthless. And here was my boss telling me that all of those things were true. I was broken and he thought I could just fix it. If he only knew all the things I tried to do to fix it.

It wasn’t too long after that that I seriously contemplated suicide for the first time.

Thankfully I had a great counselor who helped me to see that this boss was wrong about me. About the same time I remembered this test I had taken years ago in college and started to study about it some more. That was when those four letters started to mean a whole lot more to me: INTJ.

My stupid boss was right about one thing: I’m not like all of the other girls. But he was wrong about one thing too: I DON’T need to change a thing about me to “make it in this world.” Just because I’m different doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me. Just because I look at things differently and respond differently than he thinks I should doesn’t mean that I need to change. I just needed a different boss. That’s all.

It’s only taken me 32 years to figure this out. And I thought I was smart…

Fasting Motivation

OMG, so this weekend was really hard. Basically I sat around and ate all weekend. Not good. I’m getting back on the wagon, back on my idea about fasting.

Have you heard about the Snake Juice Diet? It’s this very obnoxious guy who claims that you can lose 100 lbs in 60 days by fasting and drinking his “snake juice” which is salt and potassium to keep your electrolytes balanced.

His videos are pretty motivating though: Why Fat People Don’t Need to Eat

He says that if you are 100 lbs overweight that you can loose 2 lbs a day. I’m sure that slows down at some point, but DAMN!! 2 lbs a day!

If I can just make it through the first 3 days. Those are supposed to be the hardest. I only made it 36 hours, but I didn’t have any type of electrolyte replacement.

It’s just getting yourself in the right mindset to do it. It’s like running. I used to run every single day. I would get so frustrated because I would talk myself out of running before I started and then the whole time while I was running. It’s a constant battle.

Your body can handle a lot more than your mind can.

Fasting is the same for me. I’m just constantly talking myself out of it, making it way harder than it needs to be. I just need to gain a little bit of control over what goes on in my head. How does one even do that?!?! If I figure it out I’ll let you know.

The only thing I have found that even half way works is just waiting. Wait for a minute, for a few minutes, then a few minutes becomes and hour and before you know it its been 5 hours. It’s supposed to get easier at some point though. We shall see.

Failure Again & Again

So, last night I was so hungry that I had dinner. And it wasn’t all healthy and shit either. There was quesadillas and chips and ice cream. Ugh. I felt so sick after eating too. One good thing was I didn’t eat as much as I normally do.

13 hours in again. But I’m not too hopeful about today. I’ve had a rough week. And this morning was awful. It’s not even 9am yet.

I had a run-in with a person that I hate, had to call the IRS (which is always fun), and got really mad that I owe them $350 and I don’t know why and they won’t tell me why.

I’m SO OVER being an adult right now.

My depression has been really bad lately too. I was noticing last night how difficult it was for me to just do simple things. It’s funny how it creeps up on you and all of the sudden you are drowning.

But you know what I do it make myself feel better? Food. All the food. I so don’t want to do that this time.

There are other options, of course. Yoga, exercise, meditation, eating right, sleeping… I know. I’ve heard it all. But here’s the thing: none of it is magic. It doesn’t just instantly make me feel better. And even after sticking with some of these things for a month, I still don’t feel that much different.

So, today I’m drowning myself in Diet Dr Pepper and feeling all of the feels and just letting myself feel bad. And I’m probably going to sleep all weekend too. Just because.

Day 1, Hour 15: Coffee for Lunch

I LOVE Starbucks. I would drink it everyday if I could afford it. It’s my lifeline.

The thing is that I only like it with milk and sugar and chocolate and whipped cream and chocolate shaving sprinkles. Awwwe. Coffee.

I HATE actual plain coffee. Yuck! But my coffee, a melted candy bar in a cup, is part of why I am here… 120lbs overweight. SO… regular coffee it is. I did add a little bit of cream because Dr. Fung said that was ok.

I’ve also had about 4 bottles of water this morning, 1 with 1/8 teaspoon of salt. That wasn’t as bad as what I thought, but I may look into getting some capsules to put the salt in rather than just eating it. It’s a bit off putting and I don’t think I can keep that up. Let’s just make it easy so we stick to it, right? It’s already hard enough.

I got a bottle of Hint wanter too. It doesn’t have any kind of sweetener in it so I think its ok. I got the cherry flavor. It’s pretty good. I LOVE a brand of water called Metro Mint, but I live out in the sticks and we don’t have a store that carries it. We barely have a Walmart here. It’s like hell.

Very hungry. Supposed to be working. Typing this instead. Trying to keep my goals in mind. Might write them down in another post later. Going to have to figure out how to pin them to the top or side of this thing or something.

I need a weight loss tracker too and a time tracker. I’ll have to look into that too.